Piranha 3D

Piranha 3D

Running Time: 83 minutes

Summary: Every year the population of sleepy Lake Victoria explodes from 5,000 to 50,000 for Spring Break, a riot of sun and drunken fun. But this year, there's something more to worry about than hangovers and complaints from local old timers; a new type of terror is about to be cut loose on Lake Victoria. After a sudden underwater tremor sets free scores of the prehistoric man-eating fish, an unlikely group of strangers must band together to stop themselves from becoming fish food for the areas new razor-toothed residents.

Review: Nothing says ladies night like a 3D horror movie, right? Well that is apparently what it says to my group of girlfriends. A spur of the moment decision to brave the Saturday night crowd at my local cineplex could have ended extremely poorly. As luck would have it, we got our tickets quickly, there was no line for snacks and we got perfect seats in the near empty theatre! One would think that it was destined! It was meant to be! This movie is going to be a perfect cap to this evening!

Nope.

Piranha 3D is a colorful romp in the world of topless co-eds swimming in piranha infested waters. It covers all the bases: copious amounts of fake boobs, full frontal nudity, lesbian underwater ballet, gratuitous violence and gore, totally cheesy one liners. Everything that one needs to entertain oneself! And all in 3D!!

I understand that this movie was supposed to be a parody. Everything about it is campy and cheesy. But I mean seriously? Aren't we, as the movie going public, better than this? Thinking about the story (I use the word loosely) later, I realized that they really did have every opportunity to make it awesome. They could have simplified the story, focused more on the main characters instead of just creating characters so we paid attention when they died later. I think that they tried too hard to make this movie a joke and forgot that people were actually paying to see this.

Don't watch this movie unless you are super hung over.

Sidebar: I have yet to see a 3D movie before. My boyfriend is colorblind and the previous 3D technologies do not work for colorblind people and we have yet to test out the new technology, but WOW! It was awesome! The 3D floating dick was an especially nice touch. Now I know why people like Avatar! They were so distracted by how cool it looked that they forgot that the entire story was stolen from Fergully: The Last Rainforest!

Best Quote: Derrick Jones [last words] "Wet t-shirt... wet t-shirt!"

Rating: 5.5/10 nestability

The New Daughter

The New Daughter

Running Time: 108 minutes

Summary: John James is a writer; his wife has left him. He moves with his two middle-school children to an isolated house off a dirt road in South Carolina. The property has an Indian burial mound, which fascinates his daughter, Louisa, who's entering puberty. Strange things: noises on the roof and in the woods, the cat missing, Luisa sleepwalking clutching a straw doll no one's seen before. She visits the mound often, staying late, coming home covered with mud. John's younger son, Sam, is frightened. John learns the house has a history and seeks out the previous owner. Louisa's behavior becomes more bizarre. Is there an explanation? An ant farm and a missing babysitter provide clues.

Review: For the past month, my dear friend Chantal has been in town. Like me, Chantal is a lover of all things scary but especially zombies. Since she has been here, we have been indulging in all manner of B-grade horror movie. After a movie trifecta afternoon of Vacancy 2: The First Cut, House and House of the Devil (stay tuned for their reviews), three of the worst horror movie I have ever seen, you can imagine my relief when a larger budget horror movie starring a well know, if not completely brutal celebrity came up on my horror movie radar.

The movie was surprisingly good! (or maybe my standards are just lower?) A story that is predictable but quite original. The "bad guys" in the movie are only revealed in glimpses until the climax of the movie, which goes a long way to contribute to the creepiness of the movie. This movie doesn't rely on the cheap scares the way that has become common in so many mainstream movies (okay maybe there is one or two) but instead let's a discreet movement in the bushed or a completely terrifying scream (Chantal thinks they were possum screams) fuel your imagination.

The lovely little Ivana Baquero from Pan's Labyrinth is the daughter in question and although her American accent is weird, she has mastered the art of the blank, creepy stare and thusly works for me! Samantha Mathis makes a quick appearance as a school teacher, she was alright but I have a hard time forgetting the fact that I have seen her boobs. And as I indicated earlier, Kevin Costner (Kev-Kev) is brutal. Go back to Waterworld, man.

Rating: 6.5 nestability out of 10